Top 10 Things Not To Do as Proven by Professional Athletes

Posted: February 13, 2011 by Josh Tannenbaum in Parody

10. Without a license, mind you, have six guns (some military-style) and hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition in your home.

9. Rip a bong at a party shortly after winning 8 Gold Medals at the Olympics and becoming a national icon the likes of which were few and far between.

8. Father NINE children with EIGHT women across SIX states. WHAT?! “[Athlete] may be better at conceptions than interceptions,” according to Susan Edelman of the New York Post.

7. Make an illegal U-turn and resist arrest to the point at which the police are forced to use mace. Oh, and all the while, have a 9mm handgun under the driver’s seat and a bulletproof vest strapped to your chest.

6. Sign with the Miami Heat.

5. Punch your girlfriend in the face, breaking her jaw. Also, having a girlfriend with an even more ridiculous name than your own. Yes, it’s possible.

4. Kick two police officers in the chest, spit in one’s face, get sprayed with mace, and offer them a completely legitimate $1 BILLION bribe to not arrest you.

3. Solicit oral sex from a police officer before the BIGGEST GAME OF YOUR LIFE!

2. Pay $300 for a 16-year-old girl to be delivered to your hotel room (against her will) and rape her. Even Michael Irvin is saying “Come on, man” at this one.

1. Confuse the public restroom at a bar for your own private bedroom.

Many of these things may seem so unbelievably stupid to the point at which you tell yourself this could never happen to you. Well, you’re probably right. But if model Americans such as these can have lapses in their judgement, it could happen to anyone. Everyone deserves a second chance, or a fifth in some cases. Except LeBron. May he never win a ring and retire an old, bitter man.


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