Archive for the ‘Parody’ Category

Surprising 2012 Olympic Swimmer

Posted: February 13, 2011 by justinhoosiers in Parody
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In a shocking new release, actor and comedian Will Ferrell came out publicly to the media last week and said that he has been training really hard to be a swimmer in the 2012 Olympic games. This whole idea started when Ferrell and Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps started talking about who would win in a race where their country was on the line. Ferrell is extremely confident that he can take all of Phelps medals from him. “I would beat Michael in any kind of swimming race that he would feel up to. And it wouldn’t even be close,” Ferrell said last night.











Will Ferrell right before one of his workouts out in Southern Cali earlier this month. As you can see in the background, he already has a pretty respectable following of people who come out to watch him.

With the Olympics just a little over a year away does Ferrell have enough time to train? “He has plenty of time. It doesn’t take nearly as long as people think to get in shape. It’s all about mechanics. But I’m not scared of him at all,” said Michael Phelps. We’re not sure how Ferrell will do in the Olympics but surely it’ll be as entertaining, if not more, than Anchorman.


In a shocking turn of events, the defending National Champion Duke Blue Devils have hired Head Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s son, Mick. The announcement was made after the Blue Devils’ win against North Carolina State. Mick made his coaching debut against the North Carolina Tar Heels on Wednesday.

Mike and Mick Krzyzewski coaching agaisnt North Carolina

Once Mike found out he had an unknown son, he knew he had to be added to his coaching staff.

“Listen, any part of me that is on this planet, is destined for coaching greatness,” Mike said after the win against UNC. “I know Mick will be as great of a coach as I am one day, so we had to have him on board for the rest of our season.”

The coaching hire is raising some eyebrows in Durham though, and not everybody is pleased with the new coach. This is probably due to Mick’s lack of coaching experience and knowledge. Before being hired by Duke, Mick was working as a sanitation worker in Charlotte.

“I was either going to be picking up garbage or acting like I know how to coach for the Duke Blue Devils,” Mick said in an interview yesterday. “This pays a lot better, so the choice was obvious.”

Research has shown that Mick has never played high school or college basketball, and has never coached a game. His last known basketball game is believed to be when he was 11 years old, when he played for the Cheetahs in the Charlotte Boys and Girls Club summer league. With the Cheetahs, he averages 0.4 points per game and -4 rebounds per game. He was voted Least Valuable Player by the coaches of the CBGC.

Mike does not seem concerned. “I am one of the best coaches of all time. I know Mick doesn’t have many accolades, but if he came from me, he is destined for great things.”

Mick just seems to be happy that he’s not picking up garbage anymore. “I love being apart of the Blue Devils family. Yesterday I was picking up used diapers and banana peels, today I am making over $100,000 for being a coach’s son.”

Dan Snyder, the controversial owner of the Washington Redskins has thrown the first stone in the fight between the NFL Owners and the NFL Players Association as talks continue to stall over the impending lockout and negotiation of the collective bargaining agreement that expires March 3rd. Snyder had this pointed message for the NFLPA in an interview with local ESPN Radio 980:

When it comes down to it, we have money, and you don’t.  If we don’t have football next year, where’s all your money? I’m worth $1.1 billion and I write your paychecks. Who do you think is going to win this battle?

NFLPA President Kevin Mawae quickly responded to these accusations:

I will leave it to the fans of Washington to speak on Dan Snyder and whether or not he has an honest bone in his body. If you can’t treat your fans or players with respect, who are you to even be involved with the NFL?

Snyder’s time has been mired by controversy over exploitation of fans and players for money. He once tried to sue a 13-year old fan for defamation of character after posting this video on YouTube attacking Snyder and the Redskins front office.

We were able to get a quick word from NFL wide receiver and outspoken member of the NFLPA Chad Ochocinco. He asked our reporters to make sure the camera was rolling and that he had only two words for Dan Snyder.

-Joshua Bowles

A new NBA summer playoff approaching

Posted: February 13, 2011 by yhk2 in Parody

According to the NBA commissioner David Stern, there is going to be a new summer playoffs for the NBA teams. The playoff is called BPC, aka Beer Pong Championship and the rules were announced on February 10th by David Stern. The  BPC will start on July 1st and the seeding will be determined by the regular season records. The rules are simple.

The 2011 BPC:

1) All 30 teams in the NBA will participate

2) It will be a single game elimination

3) The worst record in the regular season will be granted first seed

4) Each team will select three best players who shoots and drinks the best

5) Players must be over 21 years old

6) Each team will have 21 cups of beer in front of their table

7) The cups between the 2 teams will be 3 feet apart

8 ) The basic same beer pong rule will be inserted

9) The finals will be against the best team in the East and West.

10) The finals will be a three game series


The best team from the East will be Miami Heat and the best team from the West will be Phoenix Suns. I think the Miami Heat will win it all for the BPC in 2011. LeBron James will be frustrated losing again to the Boston Celtics this year and will be saying, “I mean, we’re the Miami Heat. We should at least win it all in the BPC.” The Phoenix Suns have great shooters such as Steve Nash, Jared Dudley, and Goran Dragic. But I feel they wouldn’t be able to drink as much as the Miami Heat’s “Big Three” in a three game series.

Miami Heat wins 3-1.

Top 10 Things Not To Do as Proven by Professional Athletes

Posted: February 13, 2011 by Josh Tannenbaum in Parody

10. Without a license, mind you, have six guns (some military-style) and hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition in your home.

9. Rip a bong at a party shortly after winning 8 Gold Medals at the Olympics and becoming a national icon the likes of which were few and far between.

8. Father NINE children with EIGHT women across SIX states. WHAT?! “[Athlete] may be better at conceptions than interceptions,” according to Susan Edelman of the New York Post.

7. Make an illegal U-turn and resist arrest to the point at which the police are forced to use mace. Oh, and all the while, have a 9mm handgun under the driver’s seat and a bulletproof vest strapped to your chest.

6. Sign with the Miami Heat.

5. Punch your girlfriend in the face, breaking her jaw. Also, having a girlfriend with an even more ridiculous name than your own. Yes, it’s possible.

4. Kick two police officers in the chest, spit in one’s face, get sprayed with mace, and offer them a completely legitimate $1 BILLION bribe to not arrest you.

3. Solicit oral sex from a police officer before the BIGGEST GAME OF YOUR LIFE!

2. Pay $300 for a 16-year-old girl to be delivered to your hotel room (against her will) and rape her. Even Michael Irvin is saying “Come on, man” at this one.

1. Confuse the public restroom at a bar for your own private bedroom.

Many of these things may seem so unbelievably stupid to the point at which you tell yourself this could never happen to you. Well, you’re probably right. But if model Americans such as these can have lapses in their judgement, it could happen to anyone. Everyone deserves a second chance, or a fifth in some cases. Except LeBron. May he never win a ring and retire an old, bitter man.